Over a long time and in bursts of thoughts and sentences this blog has begun to form, as I worked out how best to talk about something that feels so rarely discussed.
Self harm is a mostly hidden but very present struggle for so many people today. For those who have self harmed, or have supported someone through this struggle the causes, methods and consequences are all too familiar. But for those who haven’t, it can be hard to understand how someone might reach the point of self harming, and why they have or continue to harm themselves in that way.
As someone who has struggled with self harm, is struggling with self harm (though I’ve gone longer without self harming than I have since the beginning of last year), I hope this blog post speaks to both the fellow sufferer and to the one who wants to know how to help.
There is far more to say than I’ll say here, but for now, I hope you’ll bear with me as I share a few thoughts.
Self harm sucks. Often what begins as a coping mechanism becomes more and more addictive, loading up a greater weight of guilt, isolation and shame. I would not wish this struggle on anyone.
Self harm happens more than you might think. 1 in 4 young women and 1 in 10 young men have self harmed at some point in their life. 25.7% of women and 9.7% of men aged 16 to 24 report having self-harmed at some point in their life. Whilst most prominent among younger women, it is not limited to this group.
Self harm is part of my story. Something that I would still consider to be in my present rather than in the past. It’s been over 70 days since I last self harmed, but I don’t think that I’m quite our of the woods yet. I know that details of how and the thoughts that led there can both triggering and distressing, so I will keep this unspecific.
For me, I turned to it as a release, a distraction exchanging mental pain for physical. At other times I have been led by a desire to feel something, to escape the numb, or to express anger towards myself. Others may turn to self harm as away to find control over something when everything else feels out of control, a way of expressing guilt, a plea for help or a way of punishing their selves.
Depending on your experience all of these may sound all too familiar to you, or they may be unfamiliar, even strange. For many, this is where it starts, but the more they turn to self harm for relief, the more this feels to us like the natural response to distress, the more and more addictive it becomes, making it harder and harder to stop, even when we want to.
Finding hope
It has been 80 days since I last self harmed, and I wanted to share the things that have most helped me to fight the urge to turn back to this coping mechanism in the most difficult moments.
But just because I’ve managed this many days this doesn’t make me any stronger than those who have self harmed today, that could just as easily be me. Just because I’ve managed to resist this harmful habit does not mean that I have restrained from other sinful and unhelpful coping mechanisms.
But maybe you’re wondering – aren’t you a Christian? Christian’s don’t self harm do they?
It is not God’s desire or will for us to self harm. As our creator and sustainer, he does not does not want to see us harm the body that he has given us. Yet, even as I rebel against him in this way, he continues to pour out his grace on me. He is close to the brokenhearted. If you are in the midst of this struggle I hope you know that you are not alone, and that it is possible to overcome this.
In some ways it has been a slow battle for me. A combination of prayer, counselling, medication, accountability, a deeper understanding of God’s word and more prayer has brought me to a place where I no longer feel like self harm has a hold on me.
If you are struggling with self harm then I encourage you to tell someone you trust, and more than one person if you feel able. I encourage you to reach out to your GP and I encourage you to seek medical attention urgently if you have placed yourself in danger or if you feel unsafe.
There is hope beyond the struggle of self harm. You are loved more than you know. Yes, by those in your life who care for you, even when your thoughts are telling you otherwise. But even more, you are loved by a Heavenly Father who sees the depth of your pain, who as one Psalm says, collects your tears in his bottle. Self harm can make you feel so so alone. But know that there is hope in a Saviour who knows what suffering is, in the saviour who shed his blood for us, who was pierced for our wrongdoings, and who died in our place.
Yet, we can know this to be true and still turn to self harm in moments of distress, anxiety and pain. I know that self harm is wrong, that it isn’t what God wants for me and that I am called to honour God with my body not to harm it. But that didn’t stop me – so what is my encouragement to those who want to stop self harming, but feel stuck in never-ending cycle?
Yet, we can know this to be true and still turn to self harm in moments of distress, anxiety and pain. I know that self harm is wrong, that it isn’t what God wants for me and that I am called to honour God with my body not to harm it. But that didn’t stop me – so what are my words of encouragement to those who want to stop self harming, but feel stuck in never-ending cycle?
This will not last forever. As a Christian I look ahead to the day when Christ returns and everything is made new, when there will be no more death, sickness, crying or pain. A day when there will be no urge to self harm.
God gives us his Holy Spirit. God has not left us to follow him on our own, but has given His Spirit to all those who trust in Him, to strengthen, convict and grow us. Self harm may feel like a battle that can’t be fought alone, but with the support of others in the power of the Holy Spirit, there is no reason why you cannot put self-harm behind you.
God will finish the work he started within us. God has not only restored us to a relationship with him and taken our sin away, he continues to work in and through us, transforming us in the image of his perfect Son.
How to help
If you are seeking to support someone who has or is self harming (which I realise includes those who have and are supporting me) then I hope the following suggestions can help…
Lead with love. An individual struggling with self harm is very likely to be bombarded with their own negative, harsh and self-hating thoughts. They don’t need any more reasons to feel judged, excluded or ignored. Show them that they are loved. Tell them that they are loved. Not just once, but over and over again.
Check to see if they are in immediate danger, or if they are putting themselves at risk when they self harm. Help them to seek the necessary help if this is the case.
Encourage them to seek professional help. Maybe even help them make an appointment or fill out an e-consult form with the GP if they haven’t already. Helping them self-refer to counselling can also be a huge help.
Try not to seem shocked or distressed. This can make it harder for the person to keep opening up as they may be worries about how you’ll respond. I would also advise you not to ask them to promise you not to do it or that it will hurt you, this will probably add to guilt and make it harder for them to tell you when they have self harmed.
Be community minded. Encourage them to tell more people. Share the load. Get other people that the person trusts involved if possible.
Be patient. Don’t try to fix it. Remember that they are a person, not a project. They are so much more than this struggle they are facing, and in this difficult time they need true friends that are in it for the long haul.
As for practical strategies to fight the urge to self harm, Mind, along with many others, has provided a helpful list of distractions that I would encourage both those who are struggling with self harm and those who want to understand more to read.
Whilst the published resources I’ve found that speak into the struggle of self harm are pretty limited, I would recommend the following. I would also suggest caution to the individual battling self harm and suggest that you skip over the stories shared in these resources as these stories in themselves may be triggering.
What does the Bible really say about self harm? Gemma Bibb, 2017, Day One
Understanding Self Harm: A Biblical Model for Encouraging Recovery, Helen Thorne, 2011, Grove
Self-Injury: When Pain Feels Good, Edward T Welch, 2004, Resources for Changing
Addictive Behaviours: Changing for Good, David R. Dunham, 2018, P&R Publishing (this one isn’t self harm specific, but can be very helpful in battling addiction to self harm)
Calm Harm (an app that provides a range of activities and distractions to help you resist the urge to self harm)
The Good Book Company Self Harm Blog Series, Helen Thorne
As for practical strategies to fight the urge to self harm, Mind, along with many others, has provided a helpful list of distractions that I would encourage both those who are struggling with self harm and those who want to understand more to read.
This blog post is just the beginning of a conversation. Do let me know if there is anything that doesn’t make sense or if you have any questions. I am happy to speak with you about this often unspoken struggle.
The Lilies of the Field 